Tag Archives: spiritual

The ongoing search…


Anyone who has read my book will identify me as a spiritual seeker and, more specifically, as a student of Christian Science for over 40 years. The book was published in 2012 and it’s now 2015…a lot of water has gone under the bridge, and many things were washed away, including Christian Science. I didn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, though. There are still some thoughts and ideas from that teaching that I find valid, but in my case it was simply time to move on.

In Christian Science we were taught that anything bad or evil is illusion, and should be denied and replaced with Truth (spiritual perfection, or God) in our thought, hopefully with enough understanding and inspiration to heal physical diseases as well as any other type of problem. I’ve known people who have had success with this approach, but have also known many who are puzzled and dumbfounded as to why they never seem to achieve physical healing through these means. I am one of the latter.

When I stopped studying “CS,” as we call it, I felt a sudden surge of freedom—I thought, wow, now I can read anything I want, study anything I want! Not that I wasn’t free before, I had just locked myself into that one teaching, believing that it was “it.” But when I realized that there is no “it” that can be boxed into one teaching or path, I started looking into lots of things. I love investigating thoughts about life, what we’re here for, what it all means, and so on.

One of the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) rules of CS was that you don’t talk about your illnesses, because that would make a “reality” of them. Consequently, many of us kept our sufferings to ourselves, or we would confide them to a Christian Science practitioner, who would pray for us. Imagine my surprise, then, when I started reading different teachings that encouraged us to “embrace” negative things and situations, and suggested that this is the way transformation takes place. Instead of resisting, trying to fix or get rid of, or trying to “unknow” our problems and illnesses, we simply (well, maybe not so simply) stop all of those stressful mental gymnastics and just “dwell” with what’s going on—welcome it, love it, let it do its thing. Most of the teachings I’ve been reading suggest that negative occurrences are actually catalysts to wake us up to recognize what’s really going on, i.e., harmony and goodness. Unlike in CS, “evil” things are considered part of the ALL…the reasoning being that how can ALL be ALL if it doesn’t include everything? CS says that evil is an illusion, but an illusion is still something—it’s still a thought, a part of consciousness.

At first I was afraid to stop resisting and trying to fix my various disabilities and just live—do things that brought me joy. I thought if I did that, the disabilities would just get worse and worse. I should mention that these new teachings I was reading didn’t preach against seeking medical solutions, but there are times when the medical faculty has no solutions to our problems, and so we must search elsewhere. And even if we do find a fix through medicine or surgery, there’s no guarantee that the problem won’t return or that we won’t have another problem. I’ve always, from a very early age, felt a desire to get to the root of things and not merely deal with them on a surface level, so the idea that I could just relax and the answers would come was very appealing to me, albeit a bit disconcerting. I thought, after all, I’ve been resisting my difficulties for over 40 years with little results—what did I have to lose?

I no longer feel that I have all the answers, or that one teaching or system has them. I’m looking to my intuition most of the time, and am doing my best to face up to myself and be honest. As a result, I sometimes feel that my life is being turned upside down, but to tell you the truth, I kind of like it.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind that are my thoughts and ponderings. They may not be yours, and you may disagree with some of them, and that’s as it should be. 🙂

For the curious, some of the writers/thinkers/teachers I’ve been checking out (and I’m certain there will be more) are Margaret Laird, Betty Albee, Bentinho Massaro, Jeff Foster, Anita Moorjani, Abraham/Hicks, Matt Kahn, Anthony de Mello, and Steven Pressfield.


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Let’s do away with gender boxes

I’m pretty sure you’ll agree that there’s no such thing as a man who is 100% male or a woman who is 100% female. We often hear about men searching for (and finding) their femininity, and women striving to become more assertive—a trait that is often seen as “masculine.”xin_280303231027609308844

After years and years of struggling with male/female issues myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that gender is not something that can be compartmentalized, no matter how we are physically “equipped.”

This is why gay marriage isn’t a problem for me. This is why I appreciate and love all the various expressions of the continuum of gender. This is why I not only love seeing what appears to be two women or two men in a loving relationship, but also a “male” and “female” couple where the man looks like a woman and the woman like a man, or vice-versa. I think androgyny is awesome.

Balance is a natural phenomenon, and it always manages to express itself, often transcending physical appearances. We can find this balance within ourselves, or we can appreciate it in our relationships with others. What we ought not to do is try to suppress whatever gender qualities are natural to us.boy-toys-more-educational-than-girl-toys

This is why, if a man feels that he is really a woman inside, he will naturally find a way to express that, according to his own situation and need. And the more freely he or she is able to manifest him/herself, the better. If a little girl feels more like a boy, so be it. We simply can’t be forced into boxes without causing damage.

In society I am a “straight” woman, but since I was a tiny girl, I’ve always been acutely aware of my boyness as well as my girlness. Fortunately I had parents who didn’t try to block this or force me to be more of a girly girl. I played with my dollies and my trucks, and then I found music, which has no gender.

Those qualities that we call “masculine” or “feminine” are everywhere for all of us to enjoy and develop. The bottom line is that they’re not confined to sex—they’re actually spiritual.


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The light of Christmas…all year long

OK, peeps, my Christmas lights are still up. I know, I know, I should take them down. But I don’t think I will. I think I’ll leave them up all year round. Why not? Who says Christmas lights are just for Christmas anyway?

For the past ten years or so I have been alone, or pretty much alone at Christmas. No, please put your Kleenex away, it hasn’t been like that at all. I really like the quiet of the Christmas holidays, and it’s a good time for me to contemplate what Christmas really means to me spiritually.

I have great memories of Christmases when I was a kid growing up in Connecticut. I get into it in my book a little…my mother loved to buy gifts and wrap them and make a big mystery out of everything. It was really cute. And then of course there’s the anticipation when you’re a kid, not being able to sleep and then you finally drop off from sheer exhaustion, and then you get up ridiculously early to see if Santa really did eat the cookies you left. You can’t open your presents until everyone is up, of course, so you make lots of noise to make sure they get up NOW.

Then there were the smells…the pine needles (actually cedar in our case), and the turkey dinner cooking in the kitchen. And sometimes it snowed on Christmas, and that was best of all.

Now even when I spend Christmas by myself, I still have that warm, cozy feeling of being all wrapped up in love, just as I did when I was a kid, without the trappings, wonderful as they were…except for my string of lights, of course.


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Steve Jobs and….me

The Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson that I ordered from Amazon arrived yesterday. It’s always a thrill to have a nice fat book in English to read, since they’re kind of hard to come by down here in Rio.

In any case, I’m a Jobs/Apple fan, so I’ve really been looking forward to reading this book. What took my by surprise, though, was as I started to read about Job’s early life, I kept stopping and thinking, “Wow, that sounds just like me!” or “Hey, that’s exactly what I used to do when I was young.”

Like Jobs, I was a spiritual seeker from an early age, and read some of the same books he did, like “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass and “Autobiography of a Yogi” by Paramahansa Yogananda. I also followed a lot of “weird” diets over the years, just as he did: vegan, raw fruit and veggie, and macrobiotic (which he didn’t). But what struck me the most was that everything he got interested in he became obsessed with and pursued with a vengeance. This was also true of me.

I’ve often wondered if this is a good or a bad thing. In Job’s case, this kind of passion was surely a positive factor in helping him to develop Apple, although it probably brought him into a lot of conflict with others. I’ve only read about 100 pages of the book so far, so I can’t offer any details on that subject. In my case, I think my overzealousness often led me astray (and I get into this in my book), although I do believe that each experience serves as a lesson for us if we can manage to view it the right way.

I’ve found that as I’ve slowly matured, I’ve become less fanatical and obsessive, although I can still get pretty excited and enthusiastic about things. But I feel that I’ve become more balanced, so the tendency to throw all caution to the wind and just follow my instincts has definitely been tempered by some wisdom and spiritual intuition.

I wonder if this was true for Jobs…guess I’ll find out when I finish the book.

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